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I thought i'd found my way to escape. Now i realise it is all just temporary escapism. The future scares me. Can i just live meaningfully for the next 5 years and die immediately after?

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Desperately need a way out of reality. If only I had the guts and the willpower to.

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I wish we could buy a one way ticket out of this cruel world together and never return. I wish it could be that easy to escape because life is really meaningless right now.

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God is good. Thank you for hearing my prayers. Thank you for teaching me a lesson through this whole journey. I will cherish this opportunity and to be the person I promised myself to be. I will work hard to support my mum, and to help those who need my help. I will enjoy my job but I will not spend unnecessarily. I will not change for the worse, only for the better. Thank you God, thank you for everything you have blessed me with. For my supportive friends and my mum, who were so happy for me too :') This excruciating bittersweet journey for this job is indeed worth it. I am so so so blessed. :>

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Mar. 31st, 2014

I finally realised. This is all part of Your plan for me. I give everything unto Your hands, Lord. Teach me to be patient and the courage to be strong. I'm letting go, and I'm letting You take over.

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I'm scared. Really really scared. I don't want to face the ultimate rejection. I'm not ready. Please grant me a miracle. I beg you. Please

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Mar. 17th, 2014

Saw this on instag and it hit me likka wrecking ball. No more whining and feeling sorry for myself. I'll have a new attitude frm now on and look forward with hope that things are going to get better, someday, somehow.

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Mar. 6th, 2014

I know it's big risk by waiting for a job that I don't even know if I'll be able to secure. Nobody has faith in me that I'll be able to get it. I mean, come on, I don't even have the confidence and faith in myself. People will laugh at me, they will be shocked I even bother thinking about it, given my capability. Why won't they, why shouldn't they? They're right. I'm not good enough for it. Why did I even think I had a shot at it? I get depressed for a while, and then I remember. It's not the only job I need, but it's the only job that I want. It will take time for me to get it but I must persevere. I want to give my mum happiness. I need it to escape. I want to be truly happy without living in the past. I want to be happy again. I need it to get out of my life. I want out of this life.

I'll work hard and save up. After I earn enough I'll buy a cafe with a big open space. Tuesday nights I'll have the elderly from the home to come over for a movie screening in the open space under the stars with hot tea, biscuits and warm soup. Wednesday nights disabled people or those with special needs. Thursday nights I'll have those from low income households. Friday and Saturday nights it'll be a night club and bar. Sunday nights a romantic drive-through movie screening under the stars for the couples with beer. In the day I'll earn back the money by running it as a cafe. Mondays for my friends and family. I'll hire those above 55 years of age, or those with slight disability or those in need of a job. I'll sleep under the stars every night, happy and contended.

Will life ever be that simple? When will life ever get better?

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Aug. 21st, 2011

"It's hard when you don't know what causes your sadness but it feels worse when you know what makes you happy, yet you can't do anything to have it."

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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pause and rewind

Feeling so insecure and scared right now. I think it's just the time of the night. Some nights I wish I could have a normal exciting uni life like the rest. But mostly I wish time could stop and july will never end. I've had my best days of my 19 years all in this month with the best people I could ever ask for. Feeling so silly for tearing over this buttttttt wtf I'm such an emotional klutz i need to get over this stupid insecurity.